“Aggadoo” The worst song ever written. It won the Eurovision song contest, which is a competition for the worst songs ever written. That is all I have to say. Oh, and grown-ups think it is a “laugh” to sing it when they are drunk. It isn’t. (It goes “Agga doo doo doo, Agga doo doo doo” for twenty hours.)

aggers Agony. Like I said, no one has the time to say whole words so aggers is short for agony. The unusually irritating among you might point out that aggers is actually longer than agony. My answer to that is—haven’t you got something else to do besides count letters?

agony aunt A woman in a magazine who gives you advice if you are a sad person with no one else to talk to. For instance, Jas might write, “Dear Agony Aunt, My friend Georgia is so much better-looking, cleverer and an all round brilliant person that I feel inadequate. What should I do?” And the agony aunt would write back, “Kill yourself.” (Not really, that last bit is a joke.)

airing cupboard It’s a cupboard full of air, you fools. If you haven’t got enough air, you go into the airing cupboard in your house. Not really! It’s a cupboard by the hot water boiler and you put towels and sheets in and they get all warm and snuggly buggly (don’t start saying you don’t know what snuggly buggly means).

allotment A piece of land that you rent and grow stuff on. Like vegetables. Old men go to their allotments with their strange gardening trousers on and sit about complaining about how ridiculous young people look. Never go to one.

Alsatian This is a big wolfy-type guard doggie, so called because it is from Alsatia, that well-known place in . . . erm . . . Lederhosen land. Possibly. Oh, I don’t know. Why am I being bothered with this? I am vair vair tired, and it’s only a dog when all is said and done.

articles (as in “You two articles get in here now!”) A term of disdain used by so-called grown-ups. Because of their disdain of you they no longer see you as a human being but merely as a thing, an article.

arvie Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”

backup dancer This is like a backup singer, only it is dancing. At the back. Do you get it?

bacofoil Aluminum foil for cooking things in the oven. By the way, why do you leave out the second “i” in aluminium? Because if you just can’t be arsed to have vowels later on in words, where would we be? Do you say plutonum? Or titanum? No, you don’t. Otherwise the whole thing would just become a sham and very very tedus. Not to mentin, confusng.

balaclava This is from the Crimean War when our great-great-grannies spent all their time knitting hats to keep the English soldiers warm in the very, very cold Baltic. A balaclava covers everything apart from your eyes. It is like a big sock with a hole in it. Which just goes to show what really crap knitters our great-great-grannies were.

bangers Firecrackers. Fireworks that just explode with a big bang. That’s it. No pretty whooshing or stars or rocketing up into the sky. Bangers just bang. Boy fireworks. Boys are truly weird.

bhaji A bhaji is an Indian food. An onion bhaji is brown and round and full of fat, hence my hilarious joke about Slim looking like one. I exhaust myself with my good humor, I do really.

billio From the Australian outback. A billycan was something Aborigines boiled their goodies up in, or whatever it is they eat. Anyway, billio means boiling things up. Therefore, “my cheeks ached like billio” means—er—very achy. I don’t know why we say it. It’s a mystery, like many things. But that’s the beauty of life.

Black Deathy Ah well . . . this is historosity at its best. In Merrie England, everyone was having a fab time, dancing about with bells on (also known as Maurice dancing), then some ships arrived in London, full of new stuff—tobacco, sugar, chocolate, etc., yum yum. However, as in all tales in history, it ended badly, because also lurking about on the ships were rats from Europe—not human ones. And they had fleas on them that carried the plague. The fleas bit the people of Merrie England, and they got covered in pustulating boils and died. A LOT. As I have said many many times, history is crap.

Blimey O’Reilly (as in Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers) This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O’Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it’s Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.

blodge Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.

bloke You must know what a bloke is . . . it is a person of the masculine gender. Hence the expression “my bloke”—as in I am dumping my bloke because he is too thick.”

Blu-tac Blue plasticine stuff that you stick stuff to other stuff with. It is very useful for sticking stuff to other stuff. Tip-top sticking stuff actually. I don’t know why it is called Blu-tac when it clearly should be called blue sticking stuff. Also blue is spelt wrong, but that is life for you.

boboland As I have explained many, many times English is a lovely and exciting language full of sophisticosity. To go to sleep is “to go to bobos,” so if you go to bed you are going to boboland. It is an Elizabethan expression (oh, OK then, Libby made it up and she can be unreasonably violent if you don’t join in with her.

boot The bit at the back end of a car where you put everything: suitcases, shopping bags, skis, etc., and, in detective novels, people.

Boots A large drugstore chain selling mostly cosmetics.

Borstal A sort of young persons’ prison for naughty boys.

Bovril A disgusting drink which is supposed to be good for you. It is made out of cows’ feet. It is. Well, I think it is.

Boxing Day The day after Chrimboli Day (Christmas Day—keep up). It is called Boxing Day because that is the day you are supposed to open your presents. You don’t do it on Baby Jesus’s birthday because that is when he is opening his presents (symbolically). How pleased he must have been to get some frankincense (not).

boy entrancers False eyelashes. Boys are ALWAYS entranced when you wear them. This is a FACT . . . unless of course they get stuck together and then boys think you are mad and blind and not entrancing at all.

Boyzone Irish boy band, all very good-looking in a bland way.

bugger A swear word. It doesn’t really mean anything but neither do a lot of swear words. Or parents.

bum-oley quite literally bottom hole. I’m sorry but you did ask. Say it proudly (with a cheery smile and a Spanish accent).

Bunged Shoved. Put firmly in place. For example, “Jas was going on and on about voles, so I bunged a Jammy Dodger in her gob.”

cardi Cardigan. Like pulli (pullover), only different.

catsuit An all-in-one suit thing with trousers and a zipper up the front. Usually evening wear. They are supposed to be sexy, and perhaps they are, but try getting out of one quickly if you have to pay an emergency lavatory call. Like a grown-up version of a romper suit.

Changing of the Guards Outside of Her Maj’s pad (Buckingham Palace or Buck House as we call it) there are a load of blokes marching about with bearskins on their heads. They are guarding her against—er—stuff—the French, probably. After a bit they get tired and droopy and have to be changed for new ones

chav A chav is a common, rude, rough person. They wear naff clothers, A chav joke would be, “What are the first words a chav baby says to its single parent?” Answer: “What are YOU looking at??” Or: “If there are two chavs in a car and no loud music playing, what kind of a car is it?” Answer: “A police car.”

Chingachgook You must know who he is, you Hamburgese types made him up in the first place. He was the last of the Mohicans. He hung around with Davey Crockett and they both wore hats made out of old beavers. (They were dead the beavers, not just old and having a little doze on Davey’s and Chingachgook’s heads.)

chips French fries.

chokey A prison cell. Also known as pokey. Maybe because they are quite small cells.

Chrimbo/Chrimboli Christmas Day, really, but as you know, time is money.

Chrimbo hols No one has the time to say long words so Chrimbo is Christmas and hols is holidays. As in snog fest (snogging festival).

chuddie Chewing gum. This is an “i” word thing. We have a lot of them in English due to our very busy lives, explaining stuff to other people not so fortunate as ourselves.

Churchill Square A shopping center (mall) named after Sir Winston Churchill who won World War II. (Although my grandad said he won the war by parachuting into Germany and landing on Hitler’s motorbike and overcoming him with native cunning and superior military skills. What you have to take into consideration is that my grandad is bonkers).

Cliff Richard’s Y-Fronts Y-fronts are boys knickers, but they are not worn by any boy you would want to know. Cliff Richard is a living legend (who is now a Lord—or is it a Lady?).

Clown Car Officially called a Reliant Robin three—wheeler, but clearly a car built for clowns, built by some absolute loser called Robin. The Reliant bit comes from being able to rely on Robin being a prat. I wouldn’t be surprised if Robin also invented nostril hair cutters.

clud This is short for cloud. Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Tennyson’s poem called “Daffodils” (or “Daffs”) has the immortal line “I wandered lonely as a clud.” Ditto Rom and Jul. Or Ham. Or Merc. Of Ven.

coach Er . . . bus. Oh, I get it. You think that “coach” is like a trainer-type person! Oh, I see now. You thought we climbed onto a person for our trip to gay Paree. No wonder you were on the edge of bamboozlement. You see in England coach means a bus as well as a trainer. It’s a bit confusing. But we are allowed to say what we like because we made up English in the first place.

conk Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)—even before my grandad was born—a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don’t like the French much. Anyway William had a big nose and so to get our own back we call him William the Big Conk-erer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.

crazy color Hair color that you paint on your hair and it washes out. (Crazy because it is blue or purple or red or green.)

crisps I think you call them potato chips. I don’t know why because we invented chips in England and we all know that they are big fat potatoes deep fried. But have it your own way.

crèche Kindergarten. Nursery. Playschool. Working muttis leave preschool children so they can “enjoy themselves” making things. A sort of day prison for toddlers.

Curlywhirly A choccy woccy doodah bar which is all curly and whirly. See milky pops.

dalek In England we had this hilariously crap TV show called Dr. Who where this bloke in a scarf went time traveling. His archenemies were these senselessly violent creatures (no, not Angus surprisingly). They were called daleks. They’re a form of robots. They had weird mechanical voices and a sort of gun sticking out of their head bits. They said “Exterminate, exterminate!” Well, I told you it was crap.

David Beckham Of course you know who David Beckham is. He is the sensationally vain English football captain. He is married to Posh Spice. But we love the little scallywag (don’t start pretending you don’t know what scallywag means).

David Blaine For heaven's sake, don't you know who he is? He is one of your lot. He is from New York, New York. He stands in blocks of ice for a year without food and steals people's watches. He came to England and hung around in a glass cage over Tower Bridge for a month. No one knows why.

David Ginola A spectacularly good-looking French football player who plays in England. He has very long hair that he conditions and swishes round. He also carries a handbag. In any other circumstances he would definitely be a homosexualist. However, we must remember he is French.

deely-bopper Like antenna things with tiny balls on the end that you wear on your head. Popular with five-year-olds.

Denise Van Outen She is a blond girl on the television who is a bit on the breasty side. Boys seem to like her, although I can’t see the attraction myself as I am not (probably) a lesbian.

div Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.

DIY Quite literally “Do It Yourself!” Rude when you think about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to DIY. Always with disastrous results. (For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.)

do A “do” is any sort of occasion. We say “It’s your birthday, let’s have a bit of a do.” Or, as in Elvis’s case, “Let’s not have a leaving do, can’t he just go?” Or perhaps I am being a bit harsh. No, I am not.

dodie Dummy or pacificer.

dole What unemployed people get (i.e., money) to stop them starving to death. Welfare.

double cool with knobs “double” and “with knobs” are instead of saying very or very, very, very, very. You’d feel silly saying, “He was very, very, very, very, very cool.” Also everyone would have fallen asleep before you had finished your sentence. So “double cool with knobs) is altogether snappier.

duffing up Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.

dummy Like a rubber nipple you give babies to shut them up. A pacifier.

Durex Oh do I really have to go into this? Honestly, everyone is OBSESSED with sex. A Durex is a . . . oh, you know. Yes, you do. It’s a thingy. A boy thingy. Now do you get it? Oh very well, you asked me . . . a Durex is a condom. See. I knew you wouldn’t like it if I told you.

dustbins Things to put your rubbish in. Or probably as you say in American land, refuse. Or is it garbage? Or junk? In England it is dustbin because we have a lot of dust (possibly).

Edith Piaf Some French woman who used to sing “Je ne regrette rien,” which means she didn’t regret anything. Which is ironic as she was only four foot high and French.

Emily Plankton Hang on, now you mention it, I may be getting muddled up between the famous suffragette, Emily Whatsit and stuff that fish eat. Was it Emily pancake then? No, wait a minute, Pankhurst—Emily Pankhurst. What is this anyway, some kind of general knowledge quiz?

Esther Rantzen A terrifying woman on TV with big teeth. She is always saving people (even if they don’t want to be saved). She’s a do-gooder, which is good, but you wouldn’t under any circumstances want her to come round to your house and do any good there.

Ethelred the Unready Ah, I am glad that you asked me this because once more I am able to display my huge talent for historiosity. Most English Kings and Queens get nicknames like “Richard the Lionhearted” (because he was brave and so on) or “Good Queen Bess.” Ethelred (who lived a long long time ago, even before Slim was a young boy) is famous because of being “unready.” The Vikings came to England to pillage and shake their big red legs at the English folk. They sneaked into his castle and caught Ethelred in the loo and took over the castle. Hence his name Ethelred the Unready. He’s lucky that’s all he’s called. Things could be much worse. He could be called Ethelred the Pooey. Or Ethelred on the looey.

fag Cigarette

fancy-dress party Costume party.

fandango A fandango is a complicated Spanish dance. So a fandango is a complicated thing, Yes, I know there is no dancing involved. Or Spanish.

first footing Traditional Och Aye land madness. On the stroke of midnight on December 31st some complete fool (a vati) knocks on your door and gives you a lump of coal. No one knows why. Ask the Scottish folk. And whilst you are at it, ask them about sporrans. And deep fried pizza.

first former Kids of about eleven who have just started “big” school. They have shiny innocent faces, very tempting to slap.

five’s court This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It’s minus 45 degrees outside so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No. Let’s build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height and let’s make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!

football Soccer.

footie Soccer.

form A form is what we call class at English secondary schools. It is probably a Latin expression. Probably from the Latin “formus ignoramus.”

fringe Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it’s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.

Froggie and geoggers Froggie is short for French, geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).

fule Fool. This is a more pleasant way of saying it (ish). It sounds more Christmas-ey somehow . . . “Let’s all go sing a hey nonny no and bring in the Christmas-tide fule for the fire” and so on.

full-frontal snogging Kissing with all the trimmings, lip to lip, open mouth, tongues . . . everything (Apart from dribble, which is never acceptable.)

f.t. I refer you to the famous “losing it” scale. 1. minor tizz 2. complete tizz and to-do 3. strop 4. a visit to Strop Central 5. F.T. (Funny turn) 6. spazattack 7. complete ditherspaz 8. nervy b. (nervous breakdown) 9. complete nervy b. 10. ballisiticisimus

Gadzooks An expression of surprise. Like for instance, “Cor, love a duck!” Which doesn’t mean you love ducks or want to marry one. For the swotty knickers amongst you, “gad” probably meant “God” in olde English and “zooks” of course means… Oh, look, just leave me alone, OK? I’m so vair tired.

games Sports.

GCSE General Certificate of Secondary Education.

geoggers Geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).

get off with A romantic term. It means to use your womanly charms to entice a boy into a web of love. Oh OK then—snogging.

ginger nob Someone with red hair. Red hair in England is a sign of lunacy. This stems from Henry VIII, who had red hair and also cut people’s heads off. A lot. For a laugh.

glandular fever Mononucleosis.

gob Gob is an attractive term for someone’s mouth. For example, if you saw Mark (from up the road who has biggest mouth known to womankind) you could yell politely, “Good Lord, Mark, don’t open your gob, otherwise people may think you are a basking whale in trousers and throw a mackerel at you” or something else full hilariosity.

goosegog Gooseberry. I know you are looking all quizzical now. OK. If there are two people and they want to snog and you keep hanging about saying “Do you fancy some chewing gum?” or “Have you seen my interesting new socks?” you are a gooseberry. Or for short a goosegog, i.e., someone who nobody wants around.

gorgey Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvelous).

goss Gossip. Not to be confused with guss (gusset).

gusset Do you really not know what a gusset is? I do.

Guy Fawkes Night / Bonfire Night November 5th. Called Guy Fawkes Night because Guy F. tried to blow up Parliament hundreds of years ago. He was caught, so they burnt him and Parliament was saved. Hurrah!!! Obviously we celebrate every year by building bonfires and burning replica Guys and setting off fireworks.

gyp Who knows what this means? It’s just something you say, like “Gadzooks!” Essentially gyp means “a pain.” Elvis Attwood says I give him gyp. He also says his old war wound gives him gyp as well.

haggis Something else that the Jock McThicks have made up to horrify the civilized world. It is a pudding made out of stuffed sheep’s stomach.

hair grip Bobby pin.

half term Oh, of course you know what this is, you are toying with my emotions, you naughty minxes. A term is when you have to go to school, i.e., spring term, summer term, autumn term, etc. Half term is halfway through the term when you get time off the sentence for good behavior. Not really; you get time off because otherwise all the teachers would have a nervy b.

have the painters in An expression to indicate that a girl is . . . er . . . having her . . . you know whats. Oh, come on, you do know. Having her . . . er . . . well to put it plainly . . . her . . . well that the “red flag is flying,” that her “little friend has come to visit.” Period. Menstruation. Menses. Women trouble. Trouble at the mill. I can’t go on with this; it is making me tired.

havvies Haversacks. Life is too shor to fini wor.

heavy manners This is Jamaican patois and means keeping you under surveillance and possibly house arrest. I had a Jamaican mate and instead of saying “Hi,” or “Hello,” he would say “Iry.” But I thought he was saying “Highway” so I would say “Highway” back. He thought I was obsessed with motorways. It can be very difficult to get on with other nations if they will insist on speaking their own languages.

hobbit Do we really have to do this? Oh God, are we never to be free? A hobbit is one of those little creatures in the Lord of the Rings with really big ears. They’re bloody lucky to get away with the ears compared to a lot of the other things in the books, orks and so on. Is there anyone in Lord of the Rings who is normal? Answer: no. The whole thing is a nightmare of beards.

hold-up stockings Stockings that have grippy bits at the top so that you don’t have to wear a suspender belt or garters.

hols Vacation. In olden days when bishops wanted a day off, they decided to have a Holy Day or, as it has become, a Hol-i-day. Shortened to hols for obvious reasons. (Life is too short to use long words.) Along with the fact that Anne Boleyn, Henry VIII’s wife, designed dresses with long sleeves because she had a sixth finger growing out of her little finger, this is the only thing I remember from history class.

horn When you “have the horn” it’s the same as “having the big red bottom.”

“how’s your father” A boy’s . . . er . . . penis (or penid as I thought it was until I was eleven). Well, you wanted to know.

Irn-bru Pronounced “iron broo.” A disgusting drink made from sugar and old socks. Probably. People in Och Aye land think it is yummy scrumbos.

Isle of Man A ridiculous island in the sea in between Scotland and Ireland. You travel on a boat full of mad people being tossed about like a cork. Then you get there and it’s full of people from Liverpool and the most exciting thing about it is that the cats don’t have tails. Honestly.

Jammy Dodger Biscuit with jam in it. Very nutritious (ish).

japes Enid Blyton wrote children’s books about the Famous Five in the 1950s. These five complete wets and weeds had lots of “japes” and “jolly wheezes.” If, for instance, they hid behind the door and then leapt out to surprise their parents, that would be a “wizard jape.” I think you get the picture of what extraordinarily crap books they were.

jelly rabbit Jell-O made into a rabbit shape. Children like this sort of thing. You make some Jell-O and pour it into a rabbit-shaped mold. When it is set the child amuses itself by eating its bottom with a spoon. Or scooping out its eyes. Or—in Libby’s case—by placing it in my bed.

jimjams Pajamas. Also pygmies or jammies.

Jock McThick Is a generic term for anyone from Scotland that you can’t be bothered to find out the name of. Can also be called Jock McTavish. Ditto French people (Jacques Lefrog) or German (Hans Lederhosen).

joggerbums Trousers that you jog in. Jogging trousers.

jumper Pullover. Hey, do you think it is called a jumper because it is made from wool and sheep jump about? No, neither do I.

jumping-jacks A hellish combination. This is about twelve bangers all tied together. When a jumping-jack is lit, not only does it bang A LOT, but it leaps all over the place and chases you about. Banging. Boys think it is hilarious to light them and chuck them into a group of girls. As I said, boys are weird.

keen If you are keen on someone, that means you really fancy them. However it is vair naff to let someone see you are keen, so you have to seem unkeen. Do you see?

Kiwi-a-gogo land New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs’-legs-a-gogo land. This is from that very famous joke told every Christmas by the elderly mad (Grandad). Oh, very well, I’ll tell you it. A man goes into a French restaurant and says to the French waiter, “Have you got frogs’ legs?” The waiter says, “Oui, monsieur.” And the man says, “Well, hop off and get me a sandwich then.” This should give you some idea of what our Christmases are like.

knickers Panties, briefs, things you wear to conceal girlie parts. Boys don’t wear knickers; they wear underpants or boxer shorts. Some of them wear underpants that have a Union Jack or a funny joke on them. So Jas says, but she is, as we are all only too aware, mad.

knickers Panties you call them (wrongly). Knickers are a particular type of panty—huge and all encompassing. In the olden days (i.e., when Dad was born), all the ladies wore massive knickers that came to their knees. Many, many amusing songs were made up about knicker elastic breaking. This is because, as Slim, our headmistress, points out to anybody interested (i.e., no one), “In the old days people knew how to enjoy themselves with simple pleasures.” Well, I have news for her. We modern people enjoy ourselves with knicker stories, too. We often laugh as we imagine how many homeless people she could house in hers.

la mouche Or possibly le mouche. This, as everyone who is très bon at le français (i.e., moi) knows, means “the fly.”

Land of the Big White Clots Now I am glad you asked me this because it is a hilarious play on words. (It is, believe me.) Anyway this is it. Kiwi-a-gogo land is called something in Maori that translates as “Land of the Big White Clouds.” But I have changed “clouds” to “clots” to hilarious effect, because it implies that Kiwi-a-gogo land is full of clots. Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh dear God, you don't know what clots are, do you? I can feel my life ebbing away. But as it is you and I love you so much, I'll go on. “Clots” is an old Englishe worde for “fool,” i.e., a person who is in between a twit and a tosser.

“Late and Live” A late-night gig which has live bands on.

lead A long leather strap that you attach to a collar and put around animals’ necks. Then you can take them for “walkies” without them running under cars or attacking other animals. However, the exception is Angus. Even before he ate his lead it was more a case of him taking me for walkies, or rather me being dragged around behind him up and down hills and under cars as he searched for things to destroy (i.e., poodles.)

lippy Oh come on, you know what it is! Lipstick!! Honestly, what are you lot like!!

loo Lavatory. In America they say “rest room,” which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.

Lord Baden-Powell You don’t know who Lord Baden Powell is? Blimey you are, it has to be said, v. v. dense. Lord B-P invented Scouts and camping, and knots, and going into the country for no reason. Ergo, Lord B-P was clearly mad as a hen. P.S. Not content with the camping fiasco, he also invented enormous shorts, which he wore proudly.

lurgified The eagle-eyed amongst you will know that this is an extension of a word I told you about before. Lurgy. To have the lurgy is to either have a physical or mental illness. So lurgy could be to have the flu but it could also mean to have “stupid brain.” As in when you see a gorgey bloke and become lurgified, i.e., touched by the lurgy.

lurgy Is when you feel icky-poo. Please tell me that you know what icky-poo means. Oh good Lord. It means “poorly.” Lurgy is like a bug. An illness bug. Ergo, tummy lurgy = stomach bug.

Maths Mathematics.

Manchester United An English football team from the North of England. Otherwise known as “The Scum.” The most hated team apart from “The Blue Scum” (Chelsea). There is an important difference between them . . . one wears a red stripe and the other wears blue. That is all you need to know.

Michael Parkinson He interviews people on a TV chat show. He has very nice gray hair and shiny suits. Like a badger. But without the big digging paws. As far as I know.

midget gem Little sweets made out of hard jelly stuff in different fruit flavours. Jas loves them A LOT. She secretes them about her person, I suspect, often in her panties, so I never like to accept one from her on hygiene and lesbian grounds.

Milk Tray A type of box of chocolates.

milky pops A hot milk drink usually drunk by children to calm them down at night. You’d have to give it intravenously to Libby to calm her down. Or alternatively make the hot drink, put it in Libby’s cup and then hit her over the head with it.

milky pops A soothing hot milk drink, when you are a little person. (No, not an elf, I mean a child). Anyway, what was I saying ? Oh yes, when you are a child, people give words endings to make them more cozy. Chocolate is therefore obviously choccy woccy doo dah. Blanket is blankin’. Tooth is tushy peg. Easy is easy peasey lemon squeasey. If grown-ups ever talk like this, do not hesitate to kill them.

mincers Cockney-type people in London use rhyming slang so that other (normal) people will not know what they are talking about. I don’t know why—that is the beauty of the Cockneys. Mincers is short for mince pies which rhymes with eyes. Get it?

mini A really trendy car in the 60’s. It is now trendy again.

Miss Selfridge A store where teenage girls go and buy clothes.

mug’s game As in “love is a mug’s game.” The beauty of Billy Shakespeare language is that it is multi-whatsit. For instance “mug” can mean a cup. However, even the very dim amongst you (and I mean that in a caring way) can see that saying “Love is a cup’s game” is just silly. A mug can also mean a face. However “love is a face’s game” doesn’t have je ne sais quoi and verve. And this is where we come to my nub—mug can also mean a “fool,” like, for instance, my vati. So there you have it. “Love is a fool’s game.” Which is le fact.

naff Unbearably and embarrassingly out of fashion and nerdy. Naff things are: Parents dancing to “modern” music, blue eyeshadow, blokes who wear socks with sandals, pigtails. You know what I mean.

nappy A cloth that goes on babies and toddlers (and sometimes very, very old people) to stop all their poo and other unwanted excretions going on the carpet, etc., and getting on everyone’s shoes. Diaper.

Neighbours A really crap daytime soap opera set in a suburb in Australia. Kylie Minogue was in it.

nervy spaz Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an F.T. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.

NHS National Health Service. A scheme where everyone pays some money out of their wages and you get free medical attention. Well, that is the theory, but if you get my doctor you’ll be lucky to get a cast even if your leg is dropping off.

nicked stolen

nippy noodles Instead of saying “Good heavens, it’s quite cold this morning,” you say “Cor—nippy noodles!!” English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.

noughts and crosses A “game” on paper where you try to fill in squares with either a nought or a cross. The first person to get three in a row wins. It is a terribly, terribly boring, pointless game, probably invented by Hawkeye.

nub The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the center of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.

nuddy-pants Quite literally nude-colored pants, and you know what nude-colored pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.

Number 10 Number 10 Downing Street in London, where the Prime Minister lolls around.

nunga-nungas Basoomas. Girl’s breasty business. Ellen’s brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl’s breast and pull it out and then let it go—it goes nunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

O.A.P. card Stands for Old Age Pensioner card. This is a card to identify the elderly mad in our midst. It is supposed to mean that they show their card and get on buses for free and get cheap tickets at the cinema and so on, but really it is to alert people to their presence so that they can be ejected when they start causing trouble. You know the sort of thing, rattling their sticks and clacking their boiled sweets against their false teeth in the quiet bits of the film.

Och Aye land Scotland. Land of the Braves. Or is that Indiana? I don’t know, and I know I should because we are, after all, all human beings under our skins. But I still don’t care.

oeuvre Now this means . . . er . . . hang on a minute, maybe it is the French plural for eggs? Now you've got me all confused. Un oeuf, two oeufs . . . it's not two oeuvre, is it? Any fool would know that. . . . Yes, I am pretty sure that it means “work,” like in work of art. And not egg. Look, just leave it.

Old Bill The police, a.k.a. “the filth” or “our brave lads in blue.” Depending on whether they can hear you or not.

O-levels “Ordinary” level exams that perfectly nice teenagers were made to take when they were about fifteen. Now called GCSE’s (General Certificate of Secondary Education). These exams are of course sadistically timed for the summer months by teachers, etc., who have no life and therefore want to spoil it for everyone else.

one-four-one The code you dial before a number if you don’t want the person you are calling to be able to trace your number. Like a secrecy code.

pacamac A rainproof coat that folds up into a tiny packet that you can pop in your handbag. It keeps you dry but you look like a fool.

Paloma Paloma is a perfume made up by Paloma Picasso who is the daughter of the famous artist Picasso. Her dad used to paint people with eyes on their cheeks—he invented this. It is not bad art, apparently, but “abstract.” Anyone could say that about anything that was really crap. They could say, “No, you are mistaken, this is not a really bad drawing of a cow that looks more like a monkey, it is abstract art.” But perhaps I am cynical.

panstick Stick of makeup that you use to cover up spots with. Or in my mutti’s case to cover up the ravages of time and a careless attitude to skin care.

Pantalitzer A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not reassured that Eastern Europeans really know how to have a laugh.

Pantalitzer A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life. Essentially the Pantalitzer doll has a weird plastic face with a horrible fixed smile. The rest of Pantalitzer is a sort of cloth bag with hard plastic hands on each side like steel forks. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not reassured that Eastern Europeans really know how to have a laugh.

pantibus Latin for pants. Possibly. Who cares? It is a dead language. Who is going to complain if it isn’t Latin for pants—Romulus and Remus?

parky Another jaunty word for nippy noodles.

pash Passion. As in “I had a real pash on him until I saw his collection of vole droppings.” Or, in Masimo’s case: “He is my one and only super-duper pash.” That is official.

Pavlov’s dog Pavlov was some Russian bloke who had some dogs. He trained them to dribble when he rang a bell. Don’t ask me why. The Russians are, as we all know, a bit on the strange side. Cossack dancing, for instance. I rest my case.

pence English currency. We used to have pounds and shillings and pennies until we “went metric”; now we have pence (or pee). (Although try telling Elvis the school caretaker that we have gone metric; he lives in the twilight world of the very elderly. I don’t think he knows Queen Victoria is dead yet.)

pensioner In England we give very old people some money so that they can buy thick spectacles and snug incontinent pants and biscuits. This is called their pension money.

phased A bit put out by something. Full of confusiosity and redness, and inward mayhem.

physio A sort of massage. Short for physical therapy. For instance if you had a muscle that really, really hurt and that you wanted left alone. A cruel person (Miss Stamp) would insist on giving you a violent pummeling to make it better. Ha.

piggies Pigtails. Or “bunches,” I think you call them. Like two little side ponytails in your hair. Only we think they look like pigtails. English people are obsessed with pigs; that is our strange beauty.

pingy pongoes A very bad smell. Usually to do with farting.

pips On a pay phone when the money you have put in runs out there is a “pip pip pip” noise to warn you to put another coin in, otherwise you will be cut off.

Pizza-a-gogo land Masimoland. Land of wine, sun, olives and vair vair groovy Luuurve Gods. Italy. (The only bad point about Pizza-a-gogo land is their football players are so vain that if it rains, they all run off the pitch so that their hair doesn’t get ruined. See also Chelsea players.)

playschool Nursery school, daycare.

Plight my troth Give your word luuurve-wise. Another way of saying, you are my one and only one. So if you are “untrothed” you can display red-bottomosity ad hoc and willy nilly.

po-faced A “po” is a sort of basin thing that goes under your bed, like a bedpan. In the old days very poor people would use a po instead of a lavatory. They then poured the contents of the po out onto the streets onto innocent passersby. Ergo “po-faced” means someone who has a face like a lavatory bowl.

polo neck Polo neck is the same as a turtleneck. Having a turtleneck has never been a big selling point for me . . . but have it your own way if you LUUURVE turtles so much.

porkies Amusing(ish) Cockney rhyming slang. Pork pies = lies. Which is of course shortened to porkies. Oh, that isn’t shorter, is it? Well, you can’t have everything.

poxy From Olde Englishe. “The pox” was crumbly horrible spots that Olde Englishe people got from not having proper lavatories. Or maybe it was rats. I can’t remember. Anyway, hence the expression “poxy” meaning horrible.

prat A prat is a gormless oik. You make a prat of yourself by mistakenly putting both legs down one knicker leg or by playing air guitar at pop concerts.

pressies Presents!!! Ditto choccies (chocolates). It is just another “i” thing.

pushbike A pedal cycle, bicycle. Nothing will make me go on a bicycle again since my skirt got caught in the spokes of the back wheel and my panties were exposed.

pushchair A little seat on wheels that you push children around in because they are either too little or too lazy to walk. Stroller.

PVC jacket PVC is that shiny wet-look material that wotshername in The Avengers used to wear about a million years ago. It is fashionable again (although never on my mutti and vati). PVC has come back into fashion again, but some things never will. Culottes for instance. These will never be fashionable again; they never were, apart from with Swiss people. I rest my case fashionwise.

quid In English currency a pound is called a quid. (I don't know why, to be frank with you, but what I do know is that it is nothing to do with Harry Potter and quidditch, so don't even go there.)

quiff You put some gel on your hair and make the front bit stick up in a wave. Elvis had one.

rate To fancy someone.

rate To fancy someone. Like I fancy (or rate) the Sex God. And I certainly do fancy the SG as anyone with the brains of an earwig (i.e., not Jas) would know by now. Phew—even writing about him in the glossary has made me go all jelloid. And stupidoid.

R.E. Religious education.

red bottomosity Having the big red bottom. This is vair vair interesting vis-à-vis nature. When a lady baboon is “in the mood” for luuuurve, she displays her big red bottom to the male baboon. (Apparently he wouldn’t have a clue otherwise, but that is boys for you!!) Anyway, if you hear the call of the Horn you are said to be displaying red bottomosity.

redundancy Layoff.

Reeves and Mortimer Are a comedy double act. They are very mad indeed. But I like them.

Ribena Black currant flavored drink.

Robin Reliant Oh, please please don’t ask me about this. Oh very well. You know how English people keep inventing things? For no reason? Well, we do. There’s always some complete twit from a village called Little Beddingham or Middle Wallop—anyway, somewhere where there are no shops or television (or a decent lunatic asylum), and the complete twit is called Nigel or Terence and he invents things like a tiny shower for sparrows, or an ostrich eggcup. A nose picker, etc. You get the idea. Anyway, one of these types called Robin invented a car that only had three wheels. A three-wheeled car. Er—that’s it. That was his brilliant invention. No reason for it. It’s a bit like that bloke who invented the monocycle. All they do is encourage clowns. They should be stopped really, but I am vair vair tired.

Rolf Harris An Australian “entertainer” (not). Rolf has a huge beard and glasses. He plays the didgeridoo, which says everything in my book. He sadly has had a number of hit records, which means he is never off TV and will not go back to Australia. (His “records” are called “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport,” etc.)

roll neck Turtleneck.

romper suit All-in-one garment that some sadist designed for children. The legs and body and arms are all joined together, which makes it impossible to get on or off. (And in Libby’s case if she has an accidental poo attack in one you can imagine the result.)

row Argument.

rucksack Like a little kangaroo pouch you wear on your back to put things in. Backpack.

rucky A rucksack. Like a little kangaroo pouch you wear on your back to put things in. Backpack.

runner To escape. To run away. Hence the saying, “to do a runner.”

sailor’s hornpipe Ah yes. Speaking of dancing. As I have pointed out many, many times, England is a proud seafaring nation and our sailors on the whole are jolly good chaps, etc. However, when they were first invented, in the olden days, they had a few too many rums and made up this odd dance called a “hornpipe.” Which largely consists of hopping from foot to foot with your arms crossed. Well, you did ask.

sandwich spread Stuff in a jar that looks like throwup that you spread on bread.

schiessenhausen Quite literally (if you happen to be a Lederhosen type person) a house that you poo in. (Schiesse is poo and hausen house). Poo house. Lavatory. Or restroom as you Hamburger-a-gogo types say. No one knows why. Oh no, hang on, I think I do know. When you all lived in the Wild West in wooden shacks, one room was both your bedroom and your lavatory. Cowboys don’t mind that sort of thing. In fact they love it. But I don’t.

score Twenty pounds. (You are obsessed with money.) Score is a numbering system from Henry VIII's times. “Three score year and ten” meaning seventy years. You have no idea the amount of words we have to remember in our land. You are very lucky that you made up your own language and can miss letters out (like aluminum and 'erbs instead of herbs and so on).

Sellotape Sellotape is a clear sticky tape. Usually used for sticking bits of paper to other bits of paper but can be used for sticking hair down to make it flat. (Once I used it for sticking Jas’s mouth shut when she had hiccups. I thought it might cure them. It didn’t, but it was quite funny, anyway.)

Sherpa Tensing When English people were stopped from conquering places by spoilsports who said “Clear off, this is our land,” we had to have plan B. Plan B was to conquer other things like mountains. English blokes began hurling themselves up Everest like knobbly-kneed lemmings. The Everest folk got sick of them falling off or wandering around saying, “Where am I?” and blundering into their villages day and night in unnecessary anoraks. So they (the local folk called sherpas) decided to lead them up Everest just to get rid of them. And the head sherpa type bloke was called Sherpa Tensing.

shirty Flustered and twitchy and coming on all pompous.

sidies Bits of face hair that men grow down the sides of their ears to their chins. If you are asking me why, try asking yourselves why, as I believe you will find George Washington started it.

Slack Alice A Slack Alice is someone who is all stupid and nerdy. The sort of person who is always pulling their panties up because they are too big (i.e., Jas).

slag Slag is a lovely complimentary word for girls meaning “madam.” (No it's not. It is a word that means “you are a rough, common, tarty girl with very low moral standards.”)

sledging Something you do in nippy noodles season. When it snows thickly enough to cover the ground you leap onto a bit of wood that has runners on it. Then you lie on the board (sledge) and skim, skim like a bird across the snow. In theory. In practice you leap onto the sledge and crash immediately into a tree.

smalls An ironic term for underpants. Well, ironic in my vati’s case. If his underpants were called massives, that would make more sense.

snogging Kissing.

soldiers Toast cut into narrow strips and then dipped into your boiled egg. It’s an Olde-English-nursery-rhyme thing. Before you ask, no, toast dipped in egg does not look like a soldier. Obviously. Soldiers are not generally an inch high and covered in butter. As I have told you, we English are a mystery even to ourselves.

The Sound of Music Oh, are we never to be free? The Sound of Music was a film about some bint, Julie Andrews, skipping around in the Alps and singing about goats. Many many famous and annoying songs come from this film, including, “The Hills Are Alive With the Sounds of PANTS,” “You Are Sixteen Going on PANTS,” and, of course, the one about the national flower of Austria, “IdlePANTS.”

spangleferkel A kind of German sausage. I know. You couldn't make it up, could you? The German language is full of this kind of thing, like lederhosen and so on. And Goosegot. Vair vair good value.

spondulicks A Sudanese term for money. Possibly. The reason we use it is because in olden days English people used to go to other countries where the weather was nicer (i.e., everywhere) and say to the leaders of these other countries: “Hello, what extremely nice weather you are having, do you like our flag?” And the other (not English) people would say: “Yes, it’s very nice, is it a Union Jack?” And the old English people would reply: “Yes. Where is your flag?” And they would say: “We haven’t got one actually.” And we’d say: “Oh dear. That means you have to give your country to us then.” That is how we became world leaders and also how we got foreign words in our language. By the way, it is a very good job that I have historosity at my fingertips; otherwise certain people (i.e., you) would feel hopelessly dim.

sporrans Ah, I’m glad you asked me about this because it lets me illustrate my huge knowledgosity about Och Aye land. Sporrans are bits of old sheep that Scotsmen wear over their kilts, at the front, like little furry aprons. Please don’t ask me why. I feel a nervy spaz coming on.

spot Officially a blocked pore that gets all red and inflamed and sometimes has a white top on it. In reality something you get every time you need to look your best. You never get spots in concealed places—they are always on your nose or chin or on a sticky-out bit. Americans call them “zits” and I hope against hope this has nothing to do with the noise they make when you pop them.

squid Squid is the plural of quid and I do know why that is. A bloke owed another bloke six pounds or six quid, and he goes up to him with an octopus with one of its tentacles bandaged up, and he says, “Hello mate, here is the sick squid I owe you.” Do you see?? Do you see? Sick squid, six quid??? The marvelous juxtaposition of . . . look, we just call pounds squids. Leave it at that. Try and get on with it, people.

stone A measure of weight; it equals fourteen American pounds.

strop A “strop” is No. 3 on the famous “losing it” scale. This is as follows. 1. minor tizz 2. complete tizz and to do 3. strop 4. a visit to Strop Central 5. F.T. (Funny turn) 6. spazattack 7. complete ditherspaz 8. nervy b. (nervous breakdown) 9. complete nervy b. 10. ballisiticisimus

stroppy Stroppy is a very useful expression and is a state in between having a nervy b (nervous breakdown) and a tantrum. For instance you would get stroppy or “throw a strop” if your mum would not let you borrow her Chanel handbag for no reason other than she says you would lose it. You would not quite have a nervy b because it is after all just a handbag. However you are perfectly entitled to get stroppy if you can’t have what you want.

swot A person who has no life and as a substitute has to read books and learn things for school. Also anyone who does their homework on time.

swiz An unfair thing. Another girl gets a boy you like, that is a swiz. One of your friends gets to pierce her navel and your boring vati won’t let you. This is an obvious double swiz.

tannoy Loudspeaker system. Intercom.

tart A girl who is a bit on the common side. This is a tricky one, actually, because if I wear a very short skirt I am cool and sexy. However, if Jackie Bummer wears a short skirt it is a) a crime against humanity and b) tarty.

Tatty bye Now this is interesting, so gather round and get your ears on, as Yogi Bear used to say. (Don’t start asking me who Yogi Bear is, otherwise we’ll be here all day and night.) “Tatty” is another word for potato in olde English, so Mrs Billy Shakespeare would say, “Shall we have tatties and pheasant for tea, Billy?” So when you are saying goodbye, English people say tatty bye, and it quite literally means – “goodbye potato.”

tig Apparently you call this tag. I won’t ask why because I am full of exhausterosity and also want to go to the piddly diddly department.

titches A titch is a small person. Titches is the plural of titch.

toadying This is when a person is all slimy and sucky and tries to get stuff by pretending to be nice.

tosser A special kind of prat. The other way of putting this is “wanker” or “monkey spanker.”

trainers Running shoes.

truncheon A fat piece of wood for policemen to bop criminals on the head with, or twirl about for a laugh. I have been told (by Jas, so I am not relying on it), that you say “baton.” But why your policemen have the time to conduct orchestras at work, I do not know.

TTFN Ta ta for now. Ta ta means “good-bye.” I think this is a World War II expression like “Chocks away” and “Luftwaffe at 5 o’clock,” but so much of life is a mystery to me, I can’t be absolutely sure on this one.

tushy pegs Tush rhymes with mush, which means face (keep up), so the pegs in your mush are your teeth. Now do you see? Well, just accept it.

umby Umbrella. Also “brolly.” Mary Poppins used to say “gamp” for umbrella. But what I say to that is—who cares?

Veet A cream you use to remove evidence of the orangutan gene. Hair remover. It used to be called Immac.

vicars-and-tarts party A traditional fancy-dress party that “grown-ups” think is hilarious. Everyone goes to the party either dressed up as a vicar or a prostitute. It is sad. What is even sadder, though, is that I was coming home once and accidentally bumped into Call-me-Arnold the vicar wheeling his sad bike home. I was trying to get away from him when a group of lads came by and said, “Oy, where’s the party?” because they thought we were dressed up as a vicar and a tart. Good grief. It is quite bad for someone to think you are dressed up as a tart but much much worse is the idea that they may have thought Call-me-Arnold was my boyfriend.

vino tinto Now this is your actual Pizza-a-gogo talk. It quite literally means “tinted wine.” In this case the wine is tinted red.

wally See prat. A wally additionally has no clothes sense.

Water Board A bunch of blokes who look after the nation’s reservoirs and water supply.

waz Another expression for piddly diddly department. Possibly named after the sound the piddly diddly makes as it comes out of the trouser area. I don’t know, to be frank. Only boys say it. And who knows why boys say anything? The whole thing is a mystery.

wazzarium A place where you go to have a waz. You will not be finding me in there.

weedy Like a weed. You know like weeds in a garden. Those useless spindly annoying things that get in the way of flowers. A weedy person is like that, useless, spindly and annoying (although obviously not green).

welligogs Wellington boots. Because it more or less rains all the time in England, we have special rubber boots that we wear to keep us above the mud. This is true.

wet A drippy, useless, nerdy idiot. Lindsay.

whelk boy A whelk is a horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad eat. Slimy and mucuslike. Whelk boy is a boy who kisses like a whelk, i.e., a slimy mucus kisser. Erlack a pongoes.

whelks A horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad (like my grandad, for instance) eat. They are unbelievably slimy and mucuslike.

woad The ancient Britons used to dye themselves blue with a plant called woad. I don’t know why they didn’t like pink as a skin color. They just preferred to be blue. But that is the ancient Britons for you.

Womble Yes. Now, The Wombles of Wimbledon was a crap TV show about these creatures who lived in Wimbledon. The Wombles were supposed to be giant hamsters but were quite clearly tubby blokes in hairy costumes. They mostly wandered about Wimbledon Common collecting litter. Oh, and they had a number-one hit with “Remember I’m a Womble.” The lyrics were: “Remember I’m a womble, remember I’m a womble and I’ll womble, womble, womble back home.” That is how great the whole thing was.

woopsie Ordure and merde. OK, have it your way . . . poo.

work experience Essentially this means that teenagers who are happily filling in time at school, you know, painting their nails, chatting and snoozing, etc., are forced to go to a shop or hospital ward or office or science lab and spend a day there, so that they know what it is like to work. As I have said many times to my mutti, I am far, far too busy to work. And anyway I know what work is like; it is crap.

wyncyette Is like fluffy nylon material, usually pink. If you wear it, it makes your hair stand on end because it is so full of static electricity. The elderly insane LOVE it.