Confessions of an Author on Tour...
Missed Louise's 2004 American Tour? Don't worry, her tour journal is below!

Friday, July 02, 2004

       Disco dancing 

Hello chummettes,

Me here, just before we get into the old laughter wagon (truck) and head off to Washington and the final gig.

Last night, once again I was forced to demonstrate to the youth of Hamburgeragogoland (and some rather demanding so-called grown ups) the technique of "Let's go down the disco". I have been asked to do this the length and breadth of this sodding I mean this lovely spacious continent...and no one so far has shown me theirs (oo er). Anyway, I like to think that I demonstrated it in an elegant and tres vair amusant way...that is what I like to think.

I've begun to really worry about some of the horrible (but funny) things I have said about Herr Kamyer. I hope he did not really have le nervy spaz after attempting to teach us at school. I have to say that in many ways it was not our fault, he did bring it on himself. He was German and he did choose a textbook that featured the Koch family, not the Schwartz or Schmidt family, but the Koch family who were always going on camping holiday with their spangelferkel (sausages). Quite frankly, it is asking for trouble on a Friday afternoon. Also, as I think about it with maturiosity, there was no reason for Herr Kamyer's comedy clown short trousers revealing in winter the bottom bits of long johns and in summer his plaid socks and sandals. I rest my case. I wish I could rest my case but Obermistress Cindy will be in in a minute (thank God there is no surprise communicating door in the hotel for her to amusingly crash through)...anyway she will be in in a minute and I will be forced to pick up my cases once more.

My cases by the way are full of LUUUUUUUVERLY gifts that my fans have given me...thongs, books, money...not the last one sadly...

Must dash but I'll let you know how the White House is.

Loads of luuuuuurve
Louby loouxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, July 01, 2004

       Idiots on golf carts 

Cindy and I have been quite literally "limber tickled' as they say down in these parts to anyone who will listen to them (i.e. no one). Apparently, "limber tickled" means "quite amused" in Carolina type lingo. And we sure as a hogs bum have been having a laugh. Just now as we have been careering around a golf course on a golf cart, Cindy did one of her world famous U turns and practically beheaded a young golf enthusiast, but apart from that I think they like us here A LOT.

I went to the swimming pool earlier which is just down the road from our hotel in the world famous University of know, that really famous University...oh yes, Duke University. The very helpful bellhop boy pointed out the way to me and said "It's about 4 minutes away to your right, only a fool could miss it ma'am." An hour and a half later I was finally rescued from the forest trail by some women out walking their dog, they took me back to the car park and walked me to the pool to make sure I didn't have any more 'Call of the Wild' experiences. But that is the joynosity of travel.

Only two days to go on the road for Cindy and Lou, tonight I am giving the girls of Durham the splendor of my wit and telling them about my impending Sainthood in England...either that or I will once again ramble on about Herr Kamyer and his balls experiment or discuss the scoring system for snogging with them. It will be a lovely, lovely evening...ish. Then we are off to Washington tomorrow and on Monday I will be once more on the high seas bound for Blighty. I wonder if Her Maj will whiz down to meet me on the dockside. Probably not, just too BUSY to bother I suppose.

I suspect Cindy will cry when we part. She is trying to be brave and hiding her pain behind a cheerful smile and cowboy hat but I know that deep down she is falling apart. Ok, we have had our ups and downs, I won't go into it because of Cindy's mum, but I'll just say this: I do have some interesting photos which I will be possibly blowing up and printing on the front of t-shirts.

Anyway, I must go and get myself in the mood for showing off once more.

Pip pip
Looby Louxxxxxxxxxxx
PS Already missing youxxxxxxx

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

       If it's Wednesday (is it?) it must 

Hello tiny mate-lets,

Me here, writing to you from Georgia!!! In my hotel room in the Ritz Carlton, things are looking up. Cindy and I have been wandering around in our negligees using all the soap and shoe polish and free notepaper that this lovely kind hotel provides. (Actually we are not really in our negligees...I don't want Cindyís mother to be worried...I don't want mine to be worried, but she won't be as I don't think she can find out how to use her computer and I am hoping none of my so-called friends will help her.)

Yesterday we went and talked at the Margaret Mitchell museum type thing to some kids on a writing course. I was grumbling and complaining about "Why do we have to go to some bloody museum, Haven't I suffered enough???" (Oh by the way did I tell you about the Davy Crockett diner we went to on the way to was tip top and also marvy and I luuuuuurved the people there...I think I may at some stage, later on in the evening, worn Davy Crockett's hat, I'll have to ask Cindy as she is now officially my brain as I have mislaid mine somewhere on the 3 million mile journey we have been on.)

Anyway, what was I saying, oh yes, anyway I was moaning and groaning and then guess what? I realized that it was the woman who wrote "Gone With the Wind" and there was ye olde gifte shoppe and everything so we did a lot of heavy buying of Scarlett O'Hara mugs and musical boxes...think of the excitement they will cause when my mates realise I havenít brought them silly old expensive clothes or makeup but Scarlett O'Hara mugs and thimbles!!!!

AND I had my photo taken on the set of "Gone with the Wind," going into the door of "Tara". Then unfortunately I had an accidental photo taken of me holding hands with Cindy and Scarlett O'Hara...well, a blow-up photographic version of her. (Not Cindy, you fools...Scarlett!!!!)

Now we are off else, hang on...oh yes...Raleigh. I'll write more tomorrow. If I don't write itís because I am having a nervy spaz and a, not really, itís because we are driving and doing our shoulder dancing thing.

Lots of luuuuurve you groovsters.
I love you all.
I do.
Don't argue with me I am VAIR tired and full of exhaustification.

Monday, June 28, 2004

       I wish I was in Nashville, hahahah, in Nashville town I'll...hang on a minute... 

I am in Nashville mon petit idiots, get your guitars out!!!!!

Last night we were in Memphis and I saw a man eat half a cow, I took a secret photo of him doing it for my friend Lozzie, she likes a man who likes his food, also this man was a baldy and she likes that too. I don't know why.... I suspect it is something to do with her childhood and her first toy or something. (I'm not suggesting that her first toy was a big bald bloke, I just mean it might have been something that resembled a big bald bloke...look just leave it, will you, I have been in the pool all afternoon and I am filled with exhaustosity.)

Cindy has gone off to look round the Grand Old Osprey or whatever it is called, anyway she has been told off by her mother for being mean to me so I hope she does not come back with any more cowboy stuff for herself. When she was a bit tired she admitted that she had a cowboy hat and in Dallas she bought some cowboy boots. In Dallas I said to her "Ooohh look, I have never seen a grown man wearing dungarees." And she said they were not dungarees in Hamburgeragogoland, they were called overalls. I looked at her and then I said "How come you know so much about it? Have you got some??" And she said, "Yes, I have but I use them for gardening, they have many useful pockets." Yes, I bet. She is still being ridiculous about the gun, I only want a small one, it doesn't seem much to could even be one of those little ones that are really cigarette lighters, I just want it for the comedy value of it falling out of my handbag in a library. But, oh no, Cindy is just TOOOOO concerned with other things.

We did have a hoot and a half yesterday though in the car as we were driving along through Tennessee. We have invented a way of dancing in the car, it is called the shoulder dance. Cindy has to keep her beady eyes on the road and her hands on the wheel (except when she is handing me snacks and so on). However, as we sing along we can both shrug in time to the music.

Lorry drivers hooted at us they were so admirin' (as they say here ma'am).....I must say I could quite get used to the ma'am business, it makes me feel like Her Maj....did I tell you about that bloke in Dallas who gave me a magazine called Dallas Monthly because he thought I would like it (!). And on the front cover was some heavily bearded bloke dressed as Her Maj? I just said "Thank you, what a lovely gift."...You see if I had had the gun I could have pulled it out and said "Are you talking to me youall??????"

I think I may be warming to our southern friends but I do draw the line at overalls and humps.

I bought some marvy gifts in Memphis, in Elvis "He dared to rock" country. A lovely Elvis mug which I am sure someone will cherish and a very elderly man's cd. I think he was called "Moaning Clyde" or was it "Wailing Clyde" anyway some kind of complaining was going on name-wise.

He was sitting in a shop dressed entirely in blue lurex humming. I thought he was an elderly Elvis impersonator until the chap in the shop informed me he was a blues legend. (No, not a BLUE legend...keep up) so I had to buy his cd. Then me and Cindy went back and had our photo taken with him...he may be my new boyfriend. I couldn't quite make out what he was saying, we may be married for all I know. Still I don't think a hundred year age difference is necessarily a barrier to our happiness...the fact that I am in Nashville and will never see him again probably is, though.

Cindy and I are already planning our dance tunes for the mutual shrugging journey to Atlanta this evening. Usually we tune into the local radio stations for a laugh first. We listened to it Daphne or Delia or Delilah? Anyway some alarming woman who was supposed to cheer people up when they phoned in and said that they had "Luuuuurve trouble". She wouldn't have cheered me up I can tell you that...some poor sod phoned in about her second marriage because her son was having trouble coming to terms with it. Cindy, ever sympathetic said "How old is the son? 21? Get over it!!!!"

However Daphne had much much more to say--"So you are saying he is DEVASTATED by your marriage?" "Yes well he does.." "He is MORTIFIED that you have taken another man to YOUR BED who is not his father!" "Well I...we...haven't..." "He CANNOT BELIEVE his OWN MOTHER would deceive him and LET HIM DOWN SOOOOOOO BADLY. He is in TORMENT!!!" After having reduced the caller practically to suicide Daphne then said, "And here's a little tune for you to soothe the wounds." The tune was called something like "You are a drunk and an unfit mother."

Cindy may make me go to the Grand Old Osprey with her before we leave, but I am determined that I will not be getting on the bucking bronco bar stool like I did at the Gaylords Texan experience we had in Dallas. And if she shows any of the pictures that she took there, I think her mother will be very very disappointed in her. That is all I am saying....

Lots of luurve (And I mean that sincerely You'all)

Looby Lou on the Cindy and Lou show

Thursday, June 24, 2004

       Howdie from down Southie...ish 

Good day my tiny chums,

I am in a place possibly...Let's face facts and come to the nub...I have quite literally no idea where I am.  I know it is not England, I know that because everyone keeps telling me how much they love me.

I also know we are on the way to Texas, me and Cindy at the wheel, it is quite literally Louise and Cindy. I haven't got a gun yet, but I will be getting one if I have one more "personal server" like the one we had last night in St Louis.  Dave the Server told us "You all come back tomorrow night." I said "I'll try but I live in London" and he said "Well you all come back tomorrow night"  It was like being in that film "Groundhog Day."

Cindy is being vair vair temperamental and not catering to my every whim, she would not let me get on a paddlesteamer thing in St Louis and she laughed in a quite cruel way when I suggested that we could make a raft and go down the Mississippi river as a change from being in the truck.

Chicago was fab as I recall and some of the girls at one of the readings had made me thoughtful gifts. One was a t-shirt that says "Hamburgeragogo land loves me".  I will skim over the other present which was a thong with my name embroidered on the I said, I will be definitely wearing it in Texas with a big cowboy hat and nothing else. I think the Texan people will appreciate it.  I tell you this, nothing will make me humiliate myself in the way I did last time when I was in Texas by being persuaded to go on a bucking bronco thing in a bar.  Nothing.  I will not be doing it.  That is my last word.

Cindy says she would like a lovely photo of me on a bucking bronco as a souvenir, but I suspect she wants to keep it and show it to all her mates and snigger.  Anyway I'm off now because we have many happy hours of singing songs from the shows in the truck to keep us awake.

Lots of luuuurve,


Monday, June 21, 2004

       Chicago, Chicago, land of type stuff. 

Ahoy, and shiver my main braces...I don't know why I am keeping up this nautical rubbish, I can't help it. I think itís the salty dog in me. In Leeds, where I was born and brought up, the whiff of the ocean was never far away...well unless you count 300 miles as far away. Which I don't in this country.... How big is America? Vair, vair big is the answer. Yesterday we drove from Cincinnati, and I will gloss over the whole dancing in the restaurant affair. I won't be going back there probably so maybe it will fade from the memory. I'll just put it this way--I have never danced with a whole band before nor do I know the backing vocals to Mustang Sally, but I did that night....

Then we went to Indianapolis by mistake and watched some cars hurtling up and down until I had to go and have a lie down in someoneís front garden. Eventually we arrived in Chicago and I went and had a swim in the pool that Johnny Weismuller trained in before he was Tarzan. I can tell you this, if I have anymore food I may well turn into a fat Tarzan myself. I ordered the "Healthy option" this morning. Well, I don't know whose idea of health it is but in my book 25 tons of porridge and 40 lbs of fried potatoes don't constitute health. I could hardly get into my quite voluminous trousers.

Cindy and I have communicating doors between our rooms so sadly it means she knows everything I am up to. Now and again she just lurches through the door for a laugh. I tried to creep around this morning because I knew that she wanted me to answer emails and stuff and then I got a phone call from her and she said "I know you are up, I can hear you.Ē On the plus side she did order a gorgey Russian bloke to our room to fix our equipment, oo er.

Today I am reading in a bookstore in I am preparing myself to be entertaining. (ish)

pip pip

Lots o'luuurve


PS-I think I am developing teenage acne. Which is attractive if you like lurking lurkers.

Friday, June 18, 2004

       Ship ahoy!!! No not really I am in Pennsylvania not known for its seanosity. 

Dear nincompoops,

Good giddyGods bra straps...fifty million years of swaying about in a bed in the back of a truck with forty suitcases and a bunch of bananas (they were up singing and laughing all night...still thats what bananas are like when they get together....what am I talking about? I think I have finally and undeniably snapped.)

And here we Pittsburgh. I'll give you the edited highlights of our trip down. Signed a million books in two stores in New York, talked to lots of girls and their vatis, all without exception bordering on madnosity, (and I say that in a caring and interested way) managed to squeeze huge inflatable arm into a Chinese restaurant. Yum yum (No I don't mean I ate my arm...I mean the food was deliciosity personified) then I climbed into my inflatable bed (and this bit is true) in the back of our huge truck fandango, Cindy got into her seat type bed (A car seat with one of those head holder cushion things and a bit of sheet for tucksie upsies), Vinny got behind the wheel and off we went singing merry songs.

Well, I hummed a bit whilst I tried to drink some beer (I gave that up when some accidentally went in my ear), then I nodded off listening to my Agatha Christie tapes. I woke up in a donut diner somewhere in East Nowhere and then we were off again.

We finally arrived at our hotel speechless and legless and trooped off to our rooms. The only slight highlight was when the bellhop man said to me (actually I didn't know what he said to me at first because we didn't seem to be speaking the same language) "I said is this my room please?" and he said "Oh just chuck them on the bed." Who knows...But I did definitely hear him say "Ma'am you have the sweetest voice, I would have said for sure you were a singing woman." So there you have it. You have to come millions of miles around the earth for people to recognize a talent that has gone sadly unremarked upon by my friends and family.

Off for a swim in the HUGE pool now, then if I have time I may pop across to the Heinz building and see if they have any spare tins of beans I can take with me on the next seventy million mile drive we have ahead of us. Don't ask me where I am tomorrow because I have lost my grip already.

Pip pip Pray for me.

Love Loobsxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

       Klingon City 

Me here. Thank your lucky stars that you are not here with me as I have a face mask on that makes me look like a Klingon. I am hoping this is not the final effect.

Oh my good lordy cripes gadzooks and lack a day, I woke up this morning at the crack of 11.00 and was immediately on the phone to a reporter, I think in my sleepy haze I may have said one or two things that I will regret later...I did not for instance mean to mention that my books are based on real people, i.e. me and my family and friends (or ex friends as they will soon be at this rate) nor did I want to mention the shaving the eyebrows off thing being real and so on.... the second interviewer also caught me almost quite literally with my trousers down. I was leaping between the bathroom and the phone and there was a bit of an incident vis a vis my trousers. I won't trouble you with it, I only mention it to let you know that if you think it is all beer and skittles being an author on tour you are a) mad and b) the former.

Anyway where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself...oh yes...anyway then I went off and signed a million books with my new heavily developed arm, then I went to my publishers' and they gave me a lovely party where once again a lot of people told me they loved me. I emailed home to one of my so-called vair vair close friends yesterday and told them to guess how many people had said they loved me so far and they emailed back "None?" Which is nice, if you like cruelty and sarcasm.

Then I was taken to a loft (and no, I was not left there locked in)...I was taken to a loft to meet with some teenage girls and they were having a makeover type thing with Tony and Tina and also chatting to me about how much they luuuuuuuurve me and my books, only in the excitement they forgot to tell me they loved me. They did tell me a LOT of stuff about snogging in Hamburgeragogoland, they mentioned getting to first base and second base and home run and so on and then they mentioned 'sloppy seconds'....which sounds as though it involves pets to me...

Tonight I went to see a lot of people hitting themselves with sticks and dustbins and then we went to see "Stomp"--tee hee just joshing with you, I think I might be hysterical. My mask is very very tight and may be cutting off blood to my brain. Tomorrow I am going to 5th Avenue to look at a shop called Saks (providing I can get my mask off) and then a reading at a store and then off on the road to Pittsburgh with the tremendous threesome--me Cindy and Vinnie. Cindy is even now buying me an inflatable bed, she says it is so I can lie down and rest after being so vair vair funny and loveable at the readings, but secretly I know she wants me to lie down and shut up. I suspect she will be having secret snacks with Vinnie. Apparently the good news is that it is only a million and a half miles to Pittsburgh.

Pray for me.
Lots of luuuuuurve Loulouxxx

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

       Blimey its huge 

I think someone forgot to mention something to's HUGE here! I've been to Canada and back and then backwards and forwards in New Jersey and I've only been here for 4 days. Darlings, I am full of exhausticosity and I am almost too tired to type that...

On the plus side a very nice (if a bit dim he said "What is it like living in Australia ma'am?") bellhop person has just brought me a ginormous plate of food (possibly another whale I am too tired to check for blowholes).

I am now officially in the Big Apple,cor!! (Do you get it??? Do you? You Please do not make me even more tired. Do you know how many times people have said they love me today, no you don't so I will tell you...millions of times. And my right arm is now twice the size of my left which is going to be annoying when I try and get my coat on, and all because I have been signing books and autographs all day. I am vair vair like David Beckham (apart from the tattoos, footballing skills, and boy arrangements,)

And I do it all only because I love you.

Tomorrow I am going to see the show "Stomp" which is full of people hitting each other with dustbin lids and stamping, and then after more signings etc Cindy, Vinny and me, the tremendous threesome are settting off for Pittsburgh. I am going to have my own bed and dvd player etc in the back of our huge van type thingie...if I stay as tired as this I will not be getting out of my jimjams for the next three weeks.

I am off to boboland now so night night little chums and chumettes.

xxxxxxxxLoulou (that well known Australian).

Sunday, June 13, 2004


How much food can one person eat without exploding??? Last night I was taken out to dindins and had what looked like half a whale and today I have just had brunch, three whales, a whole pig, and some sushi just for the vitamins....

I am exaggerating but blimey you lot can eat. As we wandered lonely as cluds round Toronto we saw many people dressed as clowns, pray God there is not a clown convention in town. When I was in Barcelona the other week my mutti and I went down this street called Las Ramblas, quite literally the street of the ramblers...anyway there are vair vair amusing people standing very still dressed up with white faces and posing like statues. There was one man with his trousers down reading a newspaper on the lavatory. Anyway you put a coin in their hat and then they start moving. The man started having a pretend poo...vair vair hilarious (ish). Another one was of a little Jack Russell dog with a pipe and a hat on sitting at a piano. Next to him was a man dressed in a pipe and hat also at a piano. My mutti put a coin in the hat and the man and the dog started playing the piano. Honestly !!! It was sheer hiliariosity.

Unfortunately someone said that later on a fight had started in Las Ramblas near the doggie piano player and in the fracas someone had lashed out at another man and accidentally knocked the doggie off his stool!!!

Life can be vair vair cruel.

I have to go once more my little chummettes because I am going round Toronto in an open topped bus. Happy days. I refused to go in a rickshaw because (a) I am not in China and (b) I would look like a fool and a twit.

Loads of luuuurve


Back in Hamburgeragogoland tomorrowxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, June 12, 2004

       Crikey, here I am in Mountie agogoland. 

Dearest very near chummettes,

I am here hurray!!!! I had to get up at the crack of dawn on Friday when the QM2 docked in New York to go and see some customs people who asked me if I was bringing any livestock into Hamburgeragogoland...what on earth are they talking about? Why would I be smuggling chickens? So I could have someone to cluck with in case I made no new mates??? Anyway...where was I? Oh yes, so I fell off the boat and into the arms of my publishing mates and then I was heading off on a fast no I mean fast train to Buffalo.

Which for the very very dim amongst you is in New York State near to Canada...(Oh alright I admit I didn't know where it was, we had almost fallen into Niagara falls before I guessed.)

I am in a luuuuuurverly hotel with manservants (sadly not called Juan and Sven) to cater for my every whim, well I am sure they would if they had the slightest clue what I am talking about. I have even managed to say "Have a nice day" without sniggering and looking surly.

I am off now to my HUGE room, I may just walk about in it to feel its HUGEOSITY, then I am off to dindins with some nice new friends (they don't know they are going to be made to be my mates yet but they will)...oh and if I have the energy I will go and swim in the pool showing off my alarming goggles.

I also did a book signing and made a speech which my mother would have been horrified to have heard, one of the girls asked me about the doctor and did my mutti really fancy him (Dr Clooney in Angus Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging) and I said "Yes, she used to force me to go and have my elbows inspected by him because she thought they stuck out too much, but really it was so she could hang around the doctor." I am not following her instructions to shut up very well so far ho hum pigs bum.

Anyway snacks wait for no man so I must go now, I will write tomorrow. Canada seems vair nice, no sign of mounties or igloos yet.

Lots lof luuuurve

Louby LOuxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, June 10, 2004

       Still tossing about in the fog... 

Dear Landlubbers,

Avast and poop on the last we have veered away from Canada and are heading for New York, hurrah hurrah. We are surrounded by dolphins leaping about, they must be having a dolphin party, some of them are wearing little party hats. As you can tell I have clearly had a nervy b...but it is the excitment of getting nearer to you, my little chummettes.

Oh blimey o'reillys pyjamas I have just seen a whale! I hope it does not think that the QM2 is another whale and come and try and be flirty with us, I don't want a forty five ton boyfriend.

Last night when I was at the Officers' party one of the officers who had been at dinner with me with the captain said he had never laughed so much as when the captain said,"On the world cruise, because the passengers are quite elderly, we lost 8 of them." And I said, "Blimey, that's a bit careless." I had forgotten about this act of spontaneosity but fear that I am in the log book of life as far as the captain is concerned. (In the log book of life and also probably in the kennels when I return home on July 5th)

When I get off at the dock I am having a well deserved cup of coffee and then off on a train to Canada, I'd like to say I know where it is. That is what I would like to say. But what I know is this--A it is on land and B I will LUUUUUURVE it.

Toodle pip for now.


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

       Still careering up and down the Atlantic ocean with the elderly insane. 

Bonsoir me heartie,

Day one hundred and fifty nine of lurching around on this big wet lurchey stuff (the sea). I am having a fabby and groovy time but unfortunately some pensioner crashed into another pensioner in the rough weather and now they are going to be airlifted off on a helicopter!!! Air Force 1 or something is going to be the air cover and we are having to go near Canada so that the helicopter has enough fuel to reach us and get back. Frankly if I was the pensioners I would take my chances with the ships doctor, even though I have seen him doing disco dancing, I wouldn't want to be winched up into what is clearly a bee with a metal covering (the helicopter).

I had dinner with the captain last night at dinner at his table which is the biggest one in the dining room and everyone watches you I was feeling like a callous sophisticate until he introduced me as "This is Miss Rennison, her job is mostly to cause trouble." Which I don't think is very polite; certainly not true (ish).

Tonight I am having cocktails with the officers so I hope they have a bit more respect, but from the way they look at me I can tell that the captain has been snitching on me. Perhaps I will wear a mask so that no one will know who I am.

Anyway, I am nearly there now, nearly in Hamburgeragogoland my little chummettes, we are docking at 6.30a.m. so I will be able to see to do my proposed makeover job on the Statue of Liberty which is a plus. I wonder what colour lipgloss to go for? She has a slight green tinge doesn't she so maybe a peachey colour to tone it down....

Lots and lots of luuuuuuurve

Oh marvelous now we have just hit a fog bank, the helicopter will never find us at this rate, I sincerely hope we don't bump into Canada by mistake.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

       Tossed around like les corks. 

Morning, me here being tossed around like le cork. The captain announced that we were heading in to bad weather and I have never heard anyone more thrilled about it, he also said if anyone saw any land would they let him know because it would mean that we had gone hopelessly wrong.....Sacre bloody bleu.

A woman the size of a baby elephant only wearing a frock stumbled when the ship lurched and landed on my foot and she didn't even notice, I hope she doesn't come across anybody really tiny when the boat lurches because it would be bye bye tiny person hello really flat person.

Sadly the ships doctor does not seem entirely sane either, I saw him dancing in the discotheque last night and not one of his limbs was moving to the same rhythm..I wouldnít fancy your chances if he had to operate.....

It's all gogogogo today, swimming in a minute which is vair amusing in this sort of weather because you can be happily swimming along and then all the water in the pool goes to one side and you find yourself lying on the floor of the pool in no water.

Toodle pip for now


Monday, June 07, 2004

       A life on the ocean wave lalalalalala. 

Dear chumettes and landlubbers

Me here on the bridge of the QM2 driving like a loon across the Atlantic, I think I may have just knocked a whale out with my prow...

This is clearly a lie, very unreasonably no one will let me near the steering wheel thingie.  I couldn't send you any news yesterday because we lost the satellite signal.  However so far I have made many many new friends, many of them bordering on bonkerosity.   The captain phoned me on my first morning in my cabin and asked me to be good and I said to him "Well, this seems like a nice safe ship" and he laughed in a not very reassuring way.

Oh the laughs and japes we have had, yesterday I found myself learning to tap dance and this afternoon the excitement builds because I may go to a class that teaches you how to fold scarves.

Anyway it is time for my lunch now so I must dash...busy busy.  See you in four days.

Love Louxxx

Saturday, June 05, 2004

       Just setting off on my adventure 

Hello one and all, moi again,

It's midday now in Le Grand Bretagne as our french chums call it here, but then they also say le weekend so who knows what they are on about. Mutti is in a ditherspaz because I accidentally let her know that I hadn't packed yet so she is on her way round now to treat me like a child. Honestly what are they like parents? She doesn't seem to understand that I am not a silly child anymore, she will though when I leap out from behind my door in a false beard I have just found from when I used to do theatre shows. Tee hee hee.

My friend Pippy lives in Portsmouth which is an ancient port where Nelson and Queen Elizabeth 1st lived and played bowls and defeated the Spanish Armada and so on (in between delicious Tudor snacks of cow lip or whatever they ate back then). Anyway Pippy is going to wave to me on the ship as I pass by to get out into the Atlantic. I told her to get a flag but she says she is not that keen on me to bother going out to buy a flag. Which is nice.

Anyway I had better pretend I am organized and stick something in a bag before there is a mutti explosion.

I'll write more when I get on board.

I wonder who will be on my table tonight at dinner, I hope against hope it is not the elderly mad but I fear there is little chance of escape.

Love Loulouxxx

Friday, June 04, 2004

       Nearly coming to Hamburger agogo land. Yipppeee and also crikey. 

Hello my tiny but fabby chumettes,

It is me here writing to you all on Friday June the whatsit, it's midday here in Billy Shakespeare country and I have just staggered home to my house with lots of LUUUURVERLY dresses and many many t-shirts which are meant to make me look like a grown up author-type person. Sadly, many of them are too small and I cannot get them over my head, which is fine and dandy if you think staggering around like a blind loon is grown up.

Anyway I am telling you this only to let you know what a lot of effort I am putting in to coming over to see you this week. Tomorrow my mutti and vati, and, in fact, many of my friends are coming down to Southampton to see me sail off on the Queen Mary II. It's vair vair amusing leaving by ship, there is a band on the quayside and everyone throws streamers and cries and yells "Please don't go we love you Louise" or in my vati's case they yell "Don't upset anyone and try to be nice, and also don't tell anyone I am your dad."

I am a bit worried about seeing the Captain again though because last time I was on board there was a bit of trouble when I mistook him for a photographer and he said he was the captain and I refused to believe him because he didn't have a beard. I think he could at least have had the politeness to wear a false one to avoid confusion but oh no, he just can't be bothered. However, as he mentioned to me the last time, he is supreme authority at sea, he even outranks Her Maj the Queen and could, if he was so inclined, confine everyone to their cabins. I am therefore making a special effort to be nice. He has promised me a lovely cabin next to the kennels.

I will describe the ship to you when I get on board. It's got 5 swimming pools and is as tall as the Statue of Liberty. We arrive in New York harbour on the 11th of June. I am going to stay up all night and when we pass the Statue of Liberty I am going to lean over the side and give her head a bit of a polish and maybe apply a little lipgloss to her because I have a lovely new shade.

Oooohhhh I am everso excited, I have been playing really loud music and dancing around doing disco inferno dancing to calm me down but it hasn't worked, I am just hot and sweaty and excited now.

I must go now because I am going to torture lesson, er I mean astanga yoga. My teacher is vair vair cruel and when I am doing 'down dog' she pulls my legs till they feel like they might snap. I do not think she understands that I am an artiste. This evening I am packing and my mate Lolly is coming round to wish me Bon Voyage. She will probably cry, but only if I poke her quite firmly in the eye.

I'll write tomorrow when I am on board. Pip pip my lovely chums. I am going to be all over the place, Chicago, Canada, Dallas, loads of places so it might be that you could come and see me and say hello to me, or howdy or whatever it is that you Hamburger types say. Whatever it is I will love it. Honestly I will (unless, of course, you say "Bog off back to England you twit.")

Happy days.
Lots and lots of luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve