Are you just dying to hear all of my fabbity-fab thoughts on snogging, applying lippy, eating
chips, and other equally important facts of life? Are you sitting there with your gob hanging open thinking YesYesYes, Georgia!! Please share with me your vair wise life lessons! Well, chums, you are in luck! You can how read all of my letters, filled with hilariosity and excitingosity, RIGHT HERE!
Listen to the mad and marvy confessions of author, Louise Rennison!
You know Rosie, Whelk Boy, Dave the Laugh, and Robbie the Sex God, but who are they really? Click here to find out!
The New and Improved Snogging Scale
sticky eyes (Be careful using this. I’ve still got some complete twit following me around like a seeing-eye dog.)
kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath (What you need for this is a sad mate who’s got a watch but no boyfriend.)
hand snogging (I really don’t want to go into this. Ask Jas.)
open mouth kissing
upper body fondling – outdoors
upper body fondling – indoors (in bed)
Virtual number 8
(When your upper body is not actually being fondled in reality, but you know that it is in your snoggees head.)
below waist activity (or bwa) (Apparently this can include flashing your pants. Don’t blame me. Ask Jules.)
the full monty (Jas and I were in the room when Dad was watching the news and the newscaster said, “Tonight the Prime Minister has reached Number 10.” And Jas and I had a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.)
In case you haven’t noticed, me and the Ace Gang have created some of the grooviest dance moves ever invented. I always find that a quick burst of disco inferno dancing is a fab way of getting rid of tensionosity and frustrated snoggosity. So because I love you all so much, I have written down our fave steps so you can get grooving too.
The Viking bison disco inferno
We’re still practising this for Rosie’s forthcoming (i.e. in 18 years time) Viking wedding. It is danced to the tune of Jingle Bells because even Rosie, world authority on Sven land doesn’t know any Viking songs. Apart from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. Which isn’t one.
For this dance you need some bison horns. If you can’t find any bison shops nearby, make your own horns from an old hairband and a couple of twigs or something. Oh, I don’t know, stop hassling me, I’m tired.
Stamp, stamp to the left,
Left leg kick, kick,
Stab, stab to the left (that’s the pillaging bit),
Stamp, stamp to the right,
Right leg kick, kick,
Stab, stab to the right,
Quick twirl round with both hands raised to Thor (whatever)
Raise your (pretend) drinking horn to the left,
Drinking horn to the right,
Horn to the sky,
All over body shake
Aand fall to knees with a triumphant shout of “HORRRRNNNNN!!!!”
In a rare moment of comic genius, Jas, who is clearly in touch with her inner bison, added this bit too – it’s a sort of sniffing the air type move. Like a Viking bison might do. If it was trying to find its prey. And if there was such a thing as a Viking bison.
Stab, stab to the left,
And then sniff sniff.
The snot disco inferno
For this dance you will need a big blob of bubble gum hanging off your nose like a huge bogey. It needs to dangle about so you can swing it round and round in time to the music. Dance this to the tune of Eastenders, or your favourite TV show theme tune. It goes…
Swing your snot to the left,
Swing to the right.
Nod to the front,
Hands on shoulders,
Kick, kick to the right,
Kick, kick to the left,
Full snot around,
And shimmy to the ground.