New Hardcover!
Can you make it as a member of the ace gang? Find out here!

1. You’re feeling some red bottomosity for a bonafide gorgey guy. What do you do?

Ramble on in a dim sort of way because your brain has decided to take a holiday to stupidland.
Put on some lippy to casually exude snognosity.
Take some snogging lessons from a matey-type-mate who may or may not have a fondness for lip nibbling.
Put your Labrador-sized cat on his lap to prevent him from running off.

2. You’re in aggers because your Luuurve God/Rock Legend boyfriend has gone on holiday to Pizza-a-gogo land. You...

Have a complete nervy b. and cry on your best friend’s shoulder, even though you can tell by the way she’s flicking her fringe that she would rather be dusting her owls.
Dance around the house in your nuddy-pants to release tensionosity. And because it is one of those things you can do when your boyfriend goes away. That and plaiting your leg hair.
Decide to exude glaciosity in case you are about to go from snoggee to dumpee, and give in to the call of the horn! If the Luuurve God is away, how will he know if you snog someone else?
Climb straight into bed (along with Libby and eight of her slimy toys) and refuse to leave the house until he phones.

3. You know the best way to get a bloke’s attention is to...

Put on some boy entrancers, flutter your eyes, and do the look-up-look-down-look-up again thing to captivate him. Just make sure you do not glue your eyes shut.
Put on a false beard and dance the Viking bison disco inferno with five of your mates.
Run away as fast as you can and hide in a bush. Some boys find that attractive.
Wear really big knickers. It is how Jas got Tom. That and her love of voles. I am just saying.

4. An astonishingly dim girl in your form is being bullied by the Bummer twins. You...

Ignore it. You can’t waste all arvie worrying about a non-ace ganger.
Do a snot disco inferno to distract the Bummers, just be sure not to knock over Elvis’ skeleton.
Call for help from a fellow ace ganger.
Tell the Bummers what’s what, despite the duffing up you might get later.

5. You know that blodge, geoggers, and froggy are…

Torture devices—er, “classes”—at Stalag 14
The three blokes you’ve been in aggers over on the rack of luuurve
Three new disco inferno moves you plan on practicing at tonight’s Stiff Dylans gig
Expressions of surprise, often used when caught in a snogging-type situation

6. You cat has left you a “present”: a little fuzzy dead animal on your pillow. He only does it out of luuurve. Your response?

“Tatty bye!”
“Blimey O’Reilly!”
“Double cool with knobs!”
“Erlack a pongoes!”

7. Most of the boys you have the horn for are...

Whelk boys—you luuurve their whelky kisses.
Rock legends—their music moves you. Also their leather jackets (phwoar!).
First formers—their shiny innocent faces are irresistible.
Blunderboys—their mad (and might I add MAD) antics keep you on your toes.

8. When two blokes are having fisticuffs at dawn over you, you...

Call for the ace gang to sort things out—Jas is vair practical in a brawl.
Direct your vicious cat to attack them—NO ONE will be fighting after Angus is through with them!
Call out the first thing that pops into your head (make sure it is not about PANTS). People may think you’re completely mad, but that is how people are.
Laugh like an insane person, run away, and find out what happened in an emergency meeting of the ace gang.